How do autistic meltdowns differ from regular stress reactions?
Shockingly, the doctor that initially diagnosed my autism, knew I was autistic when I was walking in the door. This was profoundly shocking because I spent about a 1 year in a psychiatric hospital and they literally tested for everything! The only thing they found was that I am profoundly gifted and gave a diagnoses of general anxiety, major depression and panic disorder. I have been treated for these disorders all of my life, literally went through about 20 psychiatrists and nobody actually helped me. I had to pull myself out of crisis after alone.
I did my PhD work in evolutionary psychology and cognitive anthropology and actually took all the required psychology courses to enter a Clinical PhD program. I am not clinical in anyway, but I decided to be my own psychiatrist and I was literally running 4 or 5 theories. For example, I thought it might be low dopamine levels. So, I would go to the Doc and ask for Prozac, which actually increases dopamine levels. I didn’t tell the Doc why I wanted them. I tested them and actually got restless legs, which is a sign of high dopamine levels. As a result, I was able to rule out dopamine levels. I did the same with things like testosterones and other hormones.
Finally, I gave up on the idea of a chemical imbalance. So, it was time to check underneath the hood. I privately paid for an MRI brain scan. I spent an entire week learning to read MRI scans and analyzing my own brain. I literally went to battle with the radiologist. I know now my brain is perfectly fine, but AI analysis is showing a brain age of +17 years. That is scitzophrenic level!
I did the same thing to the cardiologist, because my panic attacks were causing heart attacks. So, I ordered EKG and an ultrasound. Everything checked up perfectly fine.
I am currently working an endocrinologist for testosterones replacement therapy. I don’t think this is the problem, but testosterone has anti-anxiety properties. The docs give me anxiolytic, like benzos sparingly.
The point being, I am/was making a mammoth effort to fix myself. Even though I was using private doctors, I randomly saw this GP and she looked at my file and saw that I was self-referring all of these tests. She said, yes you are profoundly gifted, but you are also autistic. You have been misdiagnosed your entire life! I told her that I was actually a former SEN teacher. She literally banged her head on her desk screaming, I didn’t even have a cup of coffee yet! We were both laughing. How was this autism actually missed?
I was in the psych hospital a decade before autism was actually a recognized developmental disorder. So all the docs looked at my medical records and see general anxiety, major depression and panic disorder. They just prescribed me drugs, i.e. SSRI, which never worked on me and actually the whole serotonin theory has been debunked and really a hoax. They do not work for anyone beyond emotional blunting. I was forced to suffer for 40 years with around 20 psychiatrists that were actually NO help!
Everyone in this world knows that I am quirky as £&^%! However, this doc knew I was autistic the moment that I walked in the room. It turns out that autistics work a bit differently, which I actually worked with a physio to change my gait. Autists postures tend to be slightly differently. Then there is the lack of eye contact and slightly off speech patterns. These are the dead give away signs that doc picked up on immediately. This is really impressive because who I am in private is very different than who I am in public. I try to mask all the little quirks, which is very draining. She saw straight through the masking and allowed me to be just myself.
100% if I did not go through this mammoth effort to figure out what is actually wrong with me, the docs would never order these tests, but once they saw the results of the tests, they actually stopped trying to misdiagnose me and work the problem.
To finish the story, it turns out that I am profoundly gifted, autistic, ADHD, dyslexic and hyper sensitive person, so 5 x exceptional. The profoundly gifted trait is by the most dominate and capable of masking the other traits.
Given all this information and taking advantage of hindsight, I do think people can pick up that s/he is quirky. To me, the dead giveaway are the meltdowns, shutdowns and prolonged shutdowns. You will not see these in public. You might see tantrums.
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Readers appear to actually just like the story. There has been major improvements since writing this post, so I thought I would update.
The last few days, I have not been symptomatic at all. No remunerating thoughts or other repetitive behaviours, not melt downs, shut downs or outbursts, no nausea, heart palpitations feeling of fear or anxiety. The depression has lifted! I am not “cured”, but I can actually see the sun light through the clouds and this is literally huge!
What has changed?
The pregabalin, which is NOT an SSRI, has significantly reduced the anxiety. My dosage has been steadily increased and now on a high dosage. I think my dosage is now right where I think it needs to be. I will probably just stay on pregabalin for life.
Suggested by Neuro Power, I have added a multi-vitamin (which he disagrees with), Omega 3, Vitamin D, yogurt with live cultures. I added a protein shake daily. My appetite absolutely boomed! I am now feeling very well nourished and my brain is clear. Check out Neuro Power!
One of my problems was actually not feeling great in my thorax. The heart attacks, the hyper-ventilation and nausea. I have a private psychiatrist, I have instructed him to find out what is causing these specific problems. I think my vagus nerve is playing up, maybe something like a pinched nerve. I sent the psychiatrist my MRI images because there a couple of high signals, which should not be there, near my vagus nerve. Are we dealing with anxiety caused by autism or are we actually dealing two separate issues? The psychiatrist said, “His professor told him, anxiety can explain everything except for pregnancy”!
In addition, I am having the psychiatrist also to work with the endocrinologist for testosterone replacement therapy. It is an option, but it might increase irritability. It will be about a month before any significant progress is made on this front. It has been confirmed that my testosterone levels are low, which explains to me why I am irritable. Hopefully, I will be on HRT soon enough. Testosterone is an anti-anxiety hormone.
I am very much determined to look at every symptom individually. It is easy to group them all together. I very much want every symptom totally mapped out. To the point that I know exactly the neurological channel from the brain to organ, the neuro-chemistry and including the triggers. I should be able to draw a very clear picture. I do think medical science is good enough to provide a detail explanation, but doctors are working by correlations of categorized symptoms. Not good enough, something is going to be missed!
I have felt well enough and motivated to do yoga, swimming, cycling, golfing with a hot tub as the cherry on top. This is all positive feedback loop and driving the need for better nutrition and sleep. All very good things really. I just need to build in the routine. Two hours a day of self care!
I got a puppy at news years. He is now only 14 weeks old and proving amazing at zapping out anxiety. But more importantly, just being a dad is helping me. My pup is not a support dog, but doctors can prescribe support dogs to autistics. A canine friend is totally ace!
I have been assessed by an occupational health doctor this week as not fit for work for 1 1/2 years! I keep blowing up! However, he thinks everything is in place and I just need time to heal. So, I am allowed to stay off of work. I want to work, but I can’t keep blowing up or taking diazepam to go to work.